I’m going to start with this, we are all human. Nothing more, and nothing less. Never forget that.
I used to carry so much guilt in feeling like I was continually failing my children because of the way I had reacted, often to too much noise, too much defiance, too much chaos … you know …. motherhood stuff, but it was a vicious cycle that only created more harm than good.
I grew up in a time where if you were an overtly emotional creature, that there was something wrong with you, a shame I carried frustratingly, well into adult life.
I was often teased for my emotional sensitivity, and felt my reactive nature to be a flaw. However, I was blessed (and I really hold so much gratitude for this) with a child who not only matched my sensitivity, but surpassed it, ultimately teaching me more than anything else on this earth about the absolute OK-ness of being a human being.
Has it been challenging? Heck yes! There is no greater overhaul of the soul than a child that triggers all of your ‘perceived’ inadequacies, but man, he has taught me SO much.
Ok, I’m going to get to the nitty gritty of the topic of this post now;
As big an advocate as I am for teaching emotional awareness, it does not in any way shape or form mean that in our home we float on zen vibes, communicating in soft tones and hugging it out after every disagreement.
Nope, and I’m never going to ‘pretend’ that it looks like this.
Our home can be as dysfunctional and chaotic as the BEST of them, but one thing I can say in earnest, is that through persevering with things like using emotion cards (visual cues) and drawing/writing our feelings to communicate, we have developed some pretty awesome tools that now come second nature when we find ourselves in the storm of a rift.
It’s an ongoing practice, teaching emotional literacy, but it’s one that I will never regret spending time on with them. You see, being able to REPAIR from conflict is one of the most underestimated, untalked about life skills we can be taught. I believe having the skills to repair is MORE important than doing a 10 day breathing course on how to remain completely calm and cool, because lets be real - when you are exhausted, overwhelmed and have a super dysregulated child in your face, its HARD and, when your tolerance inevitably breaks (which it will!) it tends to only breed more guilt, MORE frustration and MORE anger … the cycle is hideous!
SO how have we learned to REPAIR from RIFTS in our home? I’ll break it down - and this has been taken from a REAL LIFE experience behind our four walls.
1. After the REACTION (in this instance, my son and I got into a yelling match with each other) we took time to describe what was happening internally, EVEN though we were in a slightly elevated state. We have learned to use descriptive words like this:
"Your impatience is FRUSTRATING me and now I’m ANGRY…"
"You have completely IGNORED my warnings, which made FRUSTRATED, and that’s why I lost my cool!!"
NAMING the emotion takes away personal accusation, because just remember - its usually a BEHAVIOUR that triggers conflict, NOT the person!!
2. We then take a moment to REMOVE ourselves from each other:
For instance, my son chose to sit in the back seat of the car, while I took the drivers seat and took some long deep breaths, acknowledging his need to be away from me, and me from him.
This 'cool down' space is SUPER important if the next step is going to be a success.
3. REPAIR. I ONLY attempt to acknowledge and REPAIR when things have calmed down and voices are lowered. Timing is everything here! In this instance, it sounded like;
Me: I apologise for being IMPATIENT, however I gave you so many warnings to get off your game, and it made me feel really FRUSTRATED that you didn’t get off when I asked you for the third time. When you DID get off, and hit the wall, it made me feel really ANGRY, however I shouldn’t have reacted like I did and screamed at you. I lost my cool for a moment. Can you now see how I got to that point?
My son: Yes (begrudgingly, but knowingly), I can mum, but I didn’t hear you when you gave me my 10 min, OR 5 min warning. I had my headphones on and thought you were asking me something else, then all of a sudden you were yelling at me to get off, so I got FRUSTRATED and felt ANGRY and hit the wall. I felt like you were being really IMPATIENT and didn't give me enough time to get off it.
Me: Ok, so I felt unheard, and frustrated and you felt the same. How do we work around this?
Together!: From here, were were able to work out a VISUAL system for communicating when its time to get off his game - a little like a soccer match!! With his input, I now give him a green card which signifies a 10 min warning, then a red card 5 min warning, so he SEES me and ACKNOWLEDGES me with his EYES, and through TOUCH. No misunderstandings or misinterpretations here now!
I believe that because of our 3 STEPS, we were not only able to REPAIR the fracture, but we RECONNECTED, held COMPASSION for one another (we even hugged it out!) and were able to work out a way to WORK TOGETHER in moving forward & trying another strategy.
Does this kind of thing feel completely out of reach to you?
Please believe me, It’s not, but it does take practice....
BUT,
I'm not lying when I say, as a mother to a head-strong, sensitive soul it is so EMPOWERING to live with LESS GUILT, LESS OVERWHELM and FRUSTRATION and instead with MORE peace in the knowledge that I know we have the tools to align again when shiz inevitably goes south!!
Do you have a pain point you’d like to share with me that you need help mapping out? Just hit REPLY, I'd love to be your sounding board!
With love, Susanna xx
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